I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
