You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
