literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
