her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
