Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I am morally bankrupt
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
