I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
