Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
