I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
