some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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