I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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