shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
