Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
