I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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