When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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