I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
