does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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