did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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