I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
