I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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