Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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