I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
