You're my little dorito
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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