fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
