Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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