my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
