Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
