'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
