We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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