i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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