Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Woke up backwards on a recliner
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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