So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize