How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
