why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
