i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
