The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
