ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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