The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
