i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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