I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
