tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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