If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
