i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
