She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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