so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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