Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
