I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
