sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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