So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
