If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize