guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
