I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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