hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
