i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
