So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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