OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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