we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am midnight drunk by noon
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
