Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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