Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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