apparently the secret to your success is patron
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
