The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
