I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize