so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
