I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
