im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
