My cat gives me a boner
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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